The Bake Sale Bunch #17: Sophie Saves Christmas

(I think we can all remember the first time we read a Bake Sale Bunch book. If you're anything like me, you picked one up a few days after you came out as a trans woman, excited to finally dig into why everybody else was talking about the adventures of Zoe, Alice, Sophie, and Liz, four trans women who love to bake. The much-loved series, published by reclusive author Anna Aardvark, released over 150 installments between 2018 and 2022. Here are some excerpts from the 17th book in the series, Sophie Saves Christmas.)

CHAPTER 1

"It doesn't matter if I believe in Santa or not," Nora said. "He isn't real, so how I feel about him is immaterial." (When something is "immaterial," it is "not all that important given everything else that is going on.")

Sophie looked all around the lobby of the T4T B&B for one of her friends. Any of the other members of the Bake Sale Bunch would do. Sophie was a programmer tran, the operations manager of the bed and breakfast, and the member of the BSB who was least likely to debate the existence of Santa Claus with a brilliant 7-year-old. "Uhhhh," Sophie said.

"I know my mom told you to tell me that Santa's real. But don't worry, Sophie. I know he's fake." Nora winked. She didn't need Sophie to tell her she was right.

"Uhhhhhhhh," Sophie said again. Where was everybody?

Nora was the daughter of Alice, the general manager of the T4T B&B of Ferndale, California. Nora's other mom was named Leigh, and she and Alice did not get along. Their divorce had been contentious. (When something is "contentious," it means both people involved fought a lot.) But Alice got Nora every other Christmas. She was determined to make sure Nora had a great Christmas in Ferndale.

Alice probably should have reconsidered letting Sophie watch Nora if she wanted things to go smoothly. "Hold on one second," Sophie said. Nora went back to staring at her Nintendo Switch.

Sophie ran to the front office. Zoe was on the phone. She held up a single finger to let Sophie know she would need a second. Zoe was not in charge of any one thing. Instead, she was in charge of everything. That was what she said, at least.

"Uh-huh," Zoe said to the person on the phone. "Well, we need those presents here tomorrow! There are a bunch of kids here who want to have a happy Christmas, and we need time to wrap." Zoe rubbed her forehead, then held her finger up again. It was okay. Sophie could wait. "I don't care about the snow in the pass! Fine. Fine." She hung up, and she scowled. She looked over at Sophie.

"I don't know why anybody left me alone with the kid," Sophie said. "She keeps saying Santa isn't real. Do you want me to lie to her?"

"I don't think Alice wants Nora exposed to the full extent of your sociopathy just yet," Zoe said. "Sociopathy" is when someone doesn't care about other people at all. Zoe was using the term ironically. Sophie liked to seem like she didn't care what other people were up to. But Sophie cared deeply. She felt the world's unfairness so profoundly that she sometimes could not see anything else. The grossness of the world became the pit Sophie lived in for long periods. She sometimes projected that despair out onto others. The person she hated most was always herself.

"I'm not a sociopath, Zo," Sophie said. She rolled her eyes and looked out the window. Fat, fluffy snowflakes were falling. It was the first snow in Ferndale in nearly 20 years. It had come just early enough to guarantee a white Christmas. But it had also arrived early enough to guarantee that getting presents down into Ferndale Valley would be very hard.

"Just lie to her, Soph. You're really good at that." Zoe smiled. It was supposed to comfort Sophie. It did not. Zoe's phone rang again. "I have to take this. We have to get those presents down into the valley."

Sophie walked back into the building's lobby. Nora sat on a bench. She kicked her legs. Sophie looked at the tree with no presents under it. She had a terrible idea. But it was an idea that would show people how much she cared.

(Sophie decides that she is the best person to get the presents down into the valley. She decides this without telling anyone, but then, the other members of the Bake Sale Bunch, all of whom are worried about other things, might not have cared anyway. Aardvark makes clear this is Sophie's own judgment of her self-worth, but it's still a surprisingly dark turn for a middle-grade book set at Christmastime. When Alice is called away to deal with important bed and breakfast business, Sophie decides to take Nora along on her mission.)

CHAPTER 4

"I don't know if it's such a great idea to take Nora with you," Liz said. All of her ovens were busy baking the holiday treats they would need for the Christmas Eve party. But she had cleared out just enough space to make Sophie a big loaf of sourdough bread.

Liz was very proud of her sourdough starter, Miley. She and Miley had won the state sourdough competition and discovered a hidden treasure a few months ago. It had been a great achievement.

Sophie took the loaf from Liz. Its heat burned her hands. "Gosh, thanks," Sophie said. "This will keep me well-fed when I go up and over the mountains. Getting to Shelter Cove this time of year is a tricky thing to do."

Liz pursed her lips and looked out the window. It was starting to snow. Sophie knew Liz very well. They were best friends. So Sophie knew that Liz was worried her boyfriend Nick would not make it in over the bridge to Ferndale. He had driven from Tuscaloosa, and to come so close but still fall short would be devastating for the young couple. But everybody had someone today except Sophie.

"Maybe you should take Cornelius," Liz said. She nodded to the doggie bed in the corner, where Cornelius gnawed on a rawhide bone. The little corgi looked up at the two of them. He tilted his head to the side like he was asking them a question. His tongue hung out of his mouth. No one much cared that he probably made Liz's kitchen less than sanitary.

"I can't take your dog, Liz," Sophie said. "Not so close to Christmas. If Nick can't make it in, I worry about you being all alone."

"Sophie, if you get stuck in the snow, I worry about you being all alone. Nick will get here eventually." Liz clicked her tongue, and Cornelius trotted over to them. Liz stooped to scratch between his ears. "Besides, if you get stuck in the snow and need to find your way out, Cornelius is one-tenth bloodhound." (Sophie knew this. Everybody did. Cornelius's extreme powers of smelling had helped the Bake Sale Bunch many a time.)

"It's just going to be me in my car. I have four-wheel drive. I'll be fine."

"Maybe you should take Ms. Opera, too. She knows her way around these hills, backward and forward," Liz said. Jodie Opera, once the Bake Sale Bunch's nemesis, now ran a dog grooming business on the first floor of the T4T B&B. They were all friends now.

"This is turning into quite the expedition, Liz." Sophie smiled in spite of herself. Liz always had a way of turning any task into an adventure.

"Oh, and there's that old man staying up in the attic. Mr. Nicholas? He seemed really anxious the presents get here. I'll bet he would be happy to help. He looks strong. Maybe he could push your car if it gets stuck."

Sophie rolled her eyes. Liz was always trying to set her up with people, but a kindly old man with a long white beard and a twinkle in his eye was so not Sophie's type. "I see you think that since I turned 30, I should get together with a weird hermit man."

"When did I say you should get together?!" Liz said. Her voice rose in the way it did when she had been caught.

Sophie laughed. "But you're right. He really cares about the children. So it would be a good idea to have him along."

Liz took Sophie's hands. "I love you, Sophie. I'm worried about you."

"Why are you worried? I am just driving to Shelter Cove, not the moon."

Liz gave Sophie a big, big hug. "I know. Be safe. And take Cornelius."

(Sophie sets off on her adventure in her compact SUV. Nora accompanies her, after a lengthy section in which Sophie compares many different models of car seat that resembles nothing less than a piece of sponcon. [It is more likely Aardvark was preoccupied with this topic at the time, given the recent birth of her first child.] Cornelius, Jodie Opera, and Mr. Nicholas complete the party. The trip out to Shelter Cove is no real problem. Once there, however, they run into Alice and realize the problem is worse than it seems...)

CHAPTER 8

"Pirates?" Sophie said. "How are there pirates here?"

"They come in from their island hideaway every year at Christmastime," said the old woman who served as proprietor of the inn. "They disrupt present distribution, they steal toys, and they sow chaos. They're called the Christmas Pirates."

"Naturally," Alice said. Nora whimpered, and Alice held her more closely. Sophie could tell Alice still hadn't forgiven her for bringing Nora along. Nora seemed thrilled to be here all the same.

"I'll tell those pirates to be nice to kids at Christmas," Nora said.

"Would that it were so easy!" the old woman said. "Every year, they get a talking to, and then they're right back the next year, ready to steal the shipment."

"Confound it," said Mr. Nicholas. He seemed the most frustrated by this problem. "That explains why so many children here don't get their gifts." He stepped away and pressed the odd-looking phone he carried to his ear. He had made so many important calls since they got here.

"The Christmas Pirates aren't going to win this year," Sophie said. Even she was surprised at how confident she sounded. "There are a lot of kids at the B&B who are all on their own. Their parents kicked them out when they came out, and now they have nowhere else to go. They deserve Christmas more than anyone." Sophie felt herself tearing up. Alice cast her a little look but didn't say anything.

"Very good speech, dear," Jodie Opera said. "But the pirates already have the shipment of presents. How are we going to stop them?"

"I don't know," Sophie said. She looked over at Alice, whose eyes met hers. They both grinned. "But they've never messed with the Bake Sale Bunch before."

(Aardvark's work has long been known for its literary experimentation. The entirety of the book's ninth chapter is a long homage to the passage of A Christmas Carol in which Scrooge and the Ghost of Christmas Present fly about England, dropping in on the many laborers who celebrate Christmas down in the mines or out at sea. Aardvark's use of what she calls "the all-seeing eye" takes us from a slumbering Sophie's dreams of a childhood that remains mysterious to readers out into the homes of others in Shelter Cove. Aardvark finally places us on board the pirate ship, where the captain interrogates his willingness to resurface every Christmas. Throughout the chapter, Aardvark has questioned just what keeps drawing us back to Christmas, especially in a secularized age. Her conclusion, ultimately, is that the holiday is about a longing for home, one that we all have. The pirate captain has that longing, too, and she ends on his memories of his mother rocking him to sleep one Christmas night long ago. As always, this chapter was heavily criticized by most Goodreads reviewers for being above the reading level of the book's intended fourth-grade audience.)

(Anyway, Sophie's plan to get her and Alice out to the pirates' ship by having Cornelius use his super-scent to guide them through a dense fog is a huge success. Mr. Nicholas swoops in to take the presents in a mysterious aircraft, and all seems to have worked out.)

(Until Alice and Sophie realize they have no way to get back to shore.)

CHAPTER 12

"You shouldn't have brought Nora," Alice said. "That was my call to make."

"You shouldn't have left Nora with me, then! You always think you're the only one who can solve any problem, but you never ask anybody else for their help!" Sophie said. She knew deep down that all of this was a function of how differently their respective traumas operated, but she didn't want to use that as what might sound like an excuse. (A "trauma" is the psychological continuation of a disturbing or terrible event, after the brain gets fixated upon it. Trauma is stored in the body. Consult this book's works cited section for more.)

"I thought I could trust you, Sophie. You're normally so... dependable." Alice said the word dependable in the way only she could: like an insult.

"I'm dependable?! I'm the weirdo monster person you all put up with because I know how to do wiring and stuff." Sophie didn't know why she was getting so emotional.

Alice sighed. She started to say something. She started to say something else. She started to say one final thing. She finally just closed her mouth again.

The fog all around them was impossible to see through. Now that Cornelius was off with Mr. Nicholas and Jodie, they were pretty much done for. There was no way of knowing if the current would rip them out to sea.

"You can say it, Alice," Sophie said. "It's not going to be anything I haven't thought about myself a billion times already."

"I think you are too hard on yourself sometimes, Sophie." Alice reached out and took Sophie's hand. "You and I don't really see eye to eye, and if Zoe or Liz isn't there, we don't always have much to talk about. But I don't think you are a monster person. You're my friend. Usually."

Sophie reached out her hand and cupped the fog in it. She drew it back toward herself. "You're a good mom to Nora, even though you don't get to see her as often as you would like," Sophie said. "I wish my parents had tried even one percent as hard as you do."

Alice reached out and put a hand on Sophie's shoulder. "You don't have to talk about it. I know it's hard."

"This right here is the best Christmas I've ever had," Sophie said. "Put it that way."

Alice laughed. "It's up there for me, too."

"I once woke up because I thought I heard Santa," Sophie said. "It was just my dad. And he was opening up our presents, looking for something he could sell. He was a mess." She shrugged. "And I'm his daughter. So I must be a mess too."

"No," Alice said. "No." She gave Sophie an awkward side hug, and Sophie hated it, but she also didn't hate it. Alice made her feel like a contradiction.

"I haven't talked to him in almost 15 years. Maybe I should call--"

"Wait," Alice said. "What's that?"

A bright red light pierced the fog in front of them, and it parted to reveal Cornelius, a red lamp atop his head, leading a small tugboat piloted by Jodie Opera. Nora and Mr. Nicholas hung off the bow, smiling and waving.

"We're saved!" Sophie said, glad of the fact that she would never have to finish her earlier sentence.

When they got on the tugboat, Cornelius greeted them with tail wags and face licks.

(The little band gets the presents back to Ferndale just in time for a big Christmas celebration. Aardvark describes a luscious, luxurious Christmas among friends that is one of the highlights of the series. The novel ends on the roof of the T4T.)

CHAPTER 15

From the roof, Sophie could see all the way out to the ocean, where the blinking red lights of boats reminded her of the pirate captain. She hated how attractive she had found him.

The door behind her opened, and Liz stepped out. "Room for me up here?"

"Of course," Sophie said, scooting aside.

"Nick and Cornelius went out for a twilight walk around town, and I felt like being with family." She gave Sophie a little side squeeze.

Sophie rolled her eyes. "I'm not your family."

"In every way that counts, you are," Liz said. "You're always there for me, and you never get down on me, even when you maybe should."

Sophie looked over at Liz. Tears glistened in her eyes. "Really?"

"I don't just give sourdough loaves to people," Liz said with a smile. "They have to be family."

The door opened again, and Zoe and Alice stepped through. "We heard you were up here having a Christmas repast," Zoe said. (A "repast" is a late night drink. Zoe was being very pretentious in using the word.)

"We're just looking out at the ocean," Sophie said. "No big."

"Well, can we sit, too?" Alice said.

Sophie and Liz made room for their other friends. Out at sea, the little red lights kept winking on and off, spelling messages in the dark.

"Don't call your dad," Alice said. "That's such a bad idea."

"Wait," Zoe said, "Sophie's going to call her dad?"

"I didn't say I was going to--"

"Bad idea," Liz said. "Super bad idea."

"Yeah, I know," Sophie said. She thought of herself as one of those little boats, winking out into the night. But every time one would blink, she could imagine other boats blinking back. In all the world, she had found Liz and Zoe and Alice. They might not always be her favorite people, and they might constantly irritate her. But they were family. In all senses of the word that mattered.

"Besides," Alice said, "you saved Christmas. He'd never understand how awesome that was."

Sophie rolled her eyes and laughed. "Alice, I was too late. It's December 27."

"Well, it still counts if you save December 27."

They all laughed. Liz squealed when she saw Nick leading Cornelius up the long walk to the building. Out at sea, one boat blinked red, and then three others blinked back.

THE END

Happy December 27, everyone! I had meant to publish this on December 25 as my annual Christmas Day newsletter, but life, as they say, got in the way. I hope you had a wonderful holiday, and I look forward to writing more incredibly weird pastiches for you in the new year. Thank you for reading all these years. I wouldn't be where I am without you.

--Em