Episodes: US Coins in general circulation, ranked and sorted into Dungeons & Dragons classes

Every Friday, we rank something why not.

Let's not beat around the bush. Let's do this.

1.) Quarters: Is there anything better than a quarter? No. The quarter is a perfect coin. Just holding it feels like holding power, and if you get a roll of them, forget about it. A quarter is the difference between having to sit and listen to the adults talk at the local Pizza Hut and getting to play Pac-Man. A quarter is the difference between having somewhere to park and having to keep circling. A quarter is glory.

Dungeons & Dragons class: Barbarian.

2.) Dimes: All things considered, dimes are pretty sweet. I like how small they are. They can slip in between cracks and hang out in your pocket for ages, and then when you find them, you say, "Oh, sweet. I have a dime." Also, FDR is on the dime, but I always think he looks just a little like Eisenhower, probably because the coin is so small, so it's hard to spot all the detail or whatever. Anyway, what I'm saying is, there is only one President. He wears many faces. Our currency has been trying to tell us this all along.

Dungeons & Dragons class: Thief and/or Rogue

3.) Half-dollar: The most elusive coin of them all. Technically, they're still out there, but when did you last see one of these? When you find them, you will feel positively awestruck at their power. There is nothing they can't do (except fit into most coin slots).

Dungeons & Dragons class: Paladin.

4.) Nickel: The nickel is reliable. It's always there in a pinch. You need to have one, but it's also sort of annoying, because it's not REALLY that useful. If you toss it in a parking meter, you'll get what? Three minutes. What good is that to you? Worst is how it pretends to be a quarter sometimes, when you're drunk an digging around in your pocket. Shape-shifter. We should call you Ike.

Dungeons & Dragons class: Fighter.

5.) Assorted dollar coins: I get the idea behind having a dollar coin. Really. I do. And I appreciate the diversity of placing first Susan B. Anthony and then Sacagawea on said coin. But it's impossible to escape that this coin is redundant. How are you going to compete with the good old one-dollar bill? If you get enough of these together in a sock, you can probably really hurt someone. But that's about it.

Dungeons & Dragons class: Cleric.

6.) Penny: Man, fuck pennies.

Dungeons & Dragons class: Bard.

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