Emily St. James

I'm out

I loved TV criticism until I didn't

Dead name

If I'm finally me, then where did I go?

We know we belong to the land

And the land we belong to is grand!

Is that all there is?

Mad Men, one of my favorite TV shows ever made, begins its final stretch of episodes with a melancholy reflection on impermanence. Don Draper, who has just learned of the death of a woman who might have been the love of his life, but for all of the ways his

Full time

I didn't mean to go full time. I just did. This is the opposite of almost everything else in my transition, which has been carefully, rigidly planned, sometimes down to the literal second. I knew which friends were going to find out when, and I picked the date

Threshold of revelation (with apologies to Tony Kushner)

When people ask me, "When did you know you were a woman?" my answer tends to come in three parts, which are sort of a nesting doll. The easiest answer is "In March of 2018." That was when I was forced out of the mental closet

So who were you?

There's been some small degree of debate on trans Twitter (which, really, why would you go there?) about a topic that seems easy to answer, until you realize it's twisting you in knots: Before you came out and/or transitioned, who were you? This seems like

Undergoing renovation

A couple of weeks ago, I had to lay down on my bathroom floor and cry for about 15 minutes. Never mind what got me there, or what happened after. Just live with me in that space for a second, the concrete floor hard and cold, and the towel I

The Voice

Today, I called a doctor and made an appointment for a consultation on vocal feminization surgery. It's the first step I've taken toward whatever form my surgical transition will take, and it's a step I have a lot of trepidation about. What's

Cardinal

It felt a little like the bird was following me around the upper floor of my parents' home. I would walk past a window, and there it would be -- thonk -- flinging itself at the glass, for reasons unknown. Red has always been my favorite color, so when I was

You maybe don't know how to do this

Every so often, on main, I'll tweet something that sparks an energetic response from the many, many energetic white dudes who follow me. They are argumentative. They want to debate. I never, ever want to do this. I want to monologue in peace. Don't get me

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